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“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” – David Sedaris

What is the biggest turn off? Hiking for the win. I know you’re trying to portray yourself as outdoorsy and adventurous but when all your photos are of you in the pseudo wilderness of hiking trails all I can hope for is a 127 hour fate.

That Marla Hooch photo of you five miles away in the shade under a tree has me as hard as a sloppy joe. When I think of sexy, I think of a dusty and sweaty vagina that just trekked 4 miles in the hot august sun. I can’t wait for you to sit on my face so I can get a fresh taste of mother earth and anthrax. I’d rather get a blowjob from a dust storm than your dehydrated cotton mouth. If I didn’t swipe right on everybody without looking, I’d swipe left on you.

It’s not just unattractive. It’s lame. You’re not a survivalist. You’re not going on some incredible journey into the deep wilderness. You’re going along well traversed hiking trails. Five miles on a hiking trail is safer than five blocks in East Oakland. What would happen if you were to encounter any real trouble? I doubt you would be going full Bear Grylls and trapping rabbits with shoelaces and drinking piss out of snakeskin. So what value does your hiking bring to a relationship? It tells me you like to go on long and difficult walks.

At this point, I’d prefer a woman saying she likes long walks on the beach. At least I can enjoy the eye candy of other women in bikinis there. Something that can get me hard after months of the same boring vagina. There’s also alcohol nearby, as well as other distractions that will keep you from talking nonstop for hours on end. If we go hiking I have to listen to you, and only you, while I wonder if jumping off that cliff might end the suffering.

I don’t care if you go hiking, and I don’t understand why you would pick so many hiking photos considering the small portion of your life it consumes. You can do it at most, like once a week? Maybe twice if you’re that dedicated? Unless you’ve done something that very few people have done like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro or hiking the entire Pacific Crest Trail, just leave it out. I would prefer to see what you actually look like instead of distant pictures of you and a sweeping landscape. I have more respect for women who have survived the rigors of Friday night bar shenanigans than the safety of a hiking trail.

So, leave it out. Assuming that your obsession with hiking isn’t due to your fear of intimacy and you do get a boyfriend, hiking will be about 1% of your entire relationship. It’s not going to strengthen it. If anything you’re going to end up with an awkward two hour return after you found out he was cheating halfway through the hike. Eventually the bottom of that cliff will start looking good to you and you’ll take a long solo hike and never return.

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