This is likely going to be a controversial article for both women and men, due to the fact that most females reading this probably think they know how to suck dick, and a majority of males don’t have the balls (pun intended) to tell their women they’re absolutely, undoubtedly, irrefutably, unequivocally wrong about their fellating abilities. I’m not saying that some of you females couldn’t suck a bowling ball through a garden hose, but for those who can’t, here are a few tips to becoming the best damn cocksucker on the block (or at least in your household):
- Be a fucking porn star with the dick. Sure, us men watch porn for the fun of it, but the primary reason we flog ourselves to Internet filth is because most of us don’t get that from our significant others or random hookups. (I’m not saying there aren’t those men out there who do, or women out there who aren’t porn stars in their own right; I’m speaking for a majority of both sexes.) Slap his dick on your face, spit on it, jerk it off while you shove it down your throat and say things along the lines of, “Yeah, daddy likes it when I suck that big fat cock of his, doesn’t he?” (Even if he doesn’t have a “big fat cock,” just humor him. Remember, we’re aiming for an AVN award-worthy blowjob here, not an Oscar. Technique is important, acting is not.)
- Don’t ignore the balls… They’re not just there to slap against your butthole when you’re riding him. Lick them, grab them, spit on them, play with them, but for fuck’s sake, and the love of God and all things holy, remember they’re FUCKING ATTACHED. While some men may absolutely love having their testicles smashed into oblivion, 98 percent of us will recoil in excruciating pain if you pull or push too hard. I’ve personally had girls who, I swear, were attempting to rip my balls off, and would have succeeded had I not smacked them on the nose in the same way I do to my dog when he shits or pisses on the floor.
- Ass play can be fun, but it’s not for everyone (just ask my fellow Tasteless Gents, Scoop and Dom). Some men live for having their assholes tongued, rubbed, fingered, and even kissed (Google “Chuck Berry sex tape”… you’re welcome). If the dude you’re blowing happens to be a fan, do any or all of the above and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a blowjob champion. A word of warning, however: don’t just go shoving your finger in a man’s rectum… it’s an uncomfortable and wholly unpleasant surprise. Just as you (well, save for the complete sluts) wouldn’t want a dick shoved in your ass sans lube or preparation, we don’t want the same, either… even if it’s “only” a finger.
- For fuck’s sake, swallow. This isn’t high school and probably isn’t your first dick, either. Be a filthy whore and let him blast in your mouth. Better yet, right before he does so, say something along the lines of, “Shoot it down my throat!” Or, “Give it to me! I want it all! Every last drop!” Of course there’s always the ol’ reliable, “I want you to cum all over my fucking face!” Really, any of those will suffice. Don’t act like a fucking child and run to the bathroom to waste his precious seed by spitting it in the sink, or even more insulting, the toilet. It’s semen, not cough medicine. The only similar scenario I can paint would be if you happen to be the type of female who squirts (and God bless you, by the way… hit me up in the DMs), and you did so while I had my face buried in your hoo-ha and finger in your ass… If I emerged from that downpour drenched in your fluid and my immediate response was to frantically spit you out and feverishly wash my face, well, you get the idea… (And don’t act like you wouldn’t be utterly insulted and devastated, because you’d be lying).
In summary, and as a dear friend of mine once so eloquently explained, suck dick like the semen contained within is the Fountain of Youth. That is likely the best take on fellatio I have ever heard. Oh, and take notes from porn… we watch it for a reason. Speaking of which, all this blowjob advice has given me a boner…