When women ask why men in relationships still handle their business…
show them this!
I don’t honestly prefer handling myself to intercourse. It goes without saying, most anything done whilst donning one’s “birthday suit” is best enjoyed with another party, or parties, as it were. If I had my druthers, I would marry a gorgeous deaf, blind, bisexual, mute nymphomaniac, and masturbation would likely be rendered obsolete… likely. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to cross paths with said female, so until such day arrives, I’m relegated to women who have use of all motor skills and senses intact. I’ll blame evolution.
Even if I were to meet the proverbial “girl of my dreams,” which, based upon my experience, is about as feasible as… well, meeting the girl of my dreams (sorry, I couldn’t envision a more earth-shattering or extraordinary occurrence), I’d probably still sneak off every now and then for a good ol’-fashioned solo rogering. Why, you may be wondering (as many of my ex girlfriends over the years have also pondered)? Well, there are probably hundreds of reasons, but I’ve managed to narrow them down to the following list. (And while, as a writer, I loathe lists, I figured this would be the simplest and most straightforward method to convey my essential masturbatory thesis, if you will.):
1) I don’t have to call my member the next day to make him feel better about the fact that I used him for intercourse. He understands. We have an NSA-type of relationship.
2) I don’t have to snuggle with my member after intercourse. I can immediately run outside to smoke a cigarette, and not only will he not be offended, he’ll also come with me.
3) My member doesn’t care if I make sweet, passionate love to him for a whopping two minutes. I don’t have to prove anything to him.
4) I don’t have to kiss my member to make him feel special (though I wish I were capable of doing so).
5) I can watch pornography while pleasing my member and he won’t get jealous. In fact, he prefers it.
6) My member is absolutely okay with skipping foreplay and going straight to intercourse. In fact, he prefers it.
7) My member never asks me to wear a condom. He knows where I’ve been, and vice versa. I could raw dog him ‘til I’m blue in the face and not worry about getting “the herp.”
8) Unlike a woman, my member always gets off.
9) I don’t have to ask my member what he likes, or try to guess. He’s very easy to please.
10) My member always wants to have intercourse. He’s never too tired, bloated, full, or feels fat, unattractive or “less sexy than he used to.”
And those, ladies and gents, are the top 10 reasons I (oftentimes) prefer to make sweet passionate love to myself as opposed to fornicating with a woman. The masturbatory realm is truly one of the arenas in life where the phrase “less is more” becomes glaringly appropriate. Bottom line: it’s just easier; and we all need life to pull a few punches every now and then. A good jerk has the capacity to be so much more appealing than the “work” associated with the opposite sex. At least until I find the “girl of my dreams.” Speaking of which… “Hel-lo RedTube!”